The sun is rising spectacularly outside my window. There’s orange stains creeping across the sky, pushing the deep blue of the night further to the west. And I can’t enjoy it because I’m flipping exhausted. Trust me, it’s all I can do not to use a bad word to reiterate how rubbish I’m feeling.
Before I get into why, I have two apologies to make before I begin. The first is that the spelling in this post may be abominable as I’m functioning on zero sleep and it’s now 4am and I’ve given up hope for sleep to come tonight/this morning. The second is that I haven’t posted in a while, things have been busy and it’s stressful working out the next steps to take!
I really just want to talk about epilepsy right now. Not for sympathy or attention, but to educate. It’s so important to me, and I’m sure to many others, that people around me understand the condition that I have.
Tonight I cannot sleep. I haven’t slept for nearly 24 hours. I’m exhausted and I really want to, but it’s not a case of closing my eyes and drifting off. I’m going to try to explain it in a way that most of you will understand but obviously it’s not exactly the same. Do you know that feeling when you fall asleep and you suddenly jolt awake? The one that everyone says is related to our evolution and it was to stop us falling out of trees as primates? Well imagine having that multiple times each night, except instead of falling, the feeling is one of panic that you’re going to loose control of your body and black out at any second. Then when you wake up you’ll be back to square one and not seizure free for 8 months like you were five minutes ago. Worse still, you’ll be completely alone when it happens as you won’t have time to call for help.
That’s what I have right now.
I want to be clear this isn’t just down to the Epilepsy, it’s also down to the medication I take to control seizures. The scary side effects listed on the side of the pack? Insomnia effects about 10% of people taking Levetiracetam (Pronounced: Lever-teer-a-see-tam, just in case you were wondering). Those side effects also include: tearfulness and anxiety, both of which I experience often, as in… right now.
In case you were wondering, there is no moral to this ramble. Except that right now I really really don’t want to have epilepsy. Oh, to be normal.